- It usually means taking time to re-evaluate the relationship.
- It might mean dating other people, but it’s not recommended.
- Setting goals and ground rules is key.
- Sometimes, a break is about self-reflection or working on personal issues.
You may know it's time to call it quits in your realtionship, but pulling the trigger can be tough. "I’ll just take a break!" you think. But is there even such a thing as taking break from a relationship or is just code for breaking up? Yes. And no. There’s no clear cut answer, so we spoke with relationship experts to finally settle the score on what to do — and if it can help or hurt you in the long run.
First up, what does "taking a break" mean in a relationship?
"Taking a break" usually means that a couple has made a conscious decision to change their relationship status to create space to reevaluate it," Bianca L. Rodriguez, LMFT, told INSIDER.
It can mean different things to different couples since every relationship is unique.
"It can mean moving out of a shared residence, it can mean still living together, but with permission to do their own thing (e.g. No expectations around having dinner together, as well as permission to date or be intimate with other people). In some cases, the couple may choose to live separately or suspend the usual expectations of the relationship," Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and relationship expert at TONE Networks, told INSIDER.
But, usually, you should be willing to take a "break" without taking on other relationships.
"This can be a perpetual cycle of seeking what you cannot find, and can lead to the 'grass is greener' issue versus taking a break," says Lisa Bahar, LMFT, LPCC.
Dating someone new will make you way more excited about the newness rather than working through your problems (of course). And excitement does not equal success or a sign you should trash your existing relationship.
"The only thing that starting to date other people will do is muddy the waters around you, which make it really difficult to see where you’re stepping. In other words, if you start to date somebody else (or multiple somebody else's), then the situation at hand with your partner becomes fuzzier and makes it even more difficult to find clarity," Tara Vossenkemper MA, LPCC told INSIDER.
You should set goals and ground rules.
If you were bad at communicating before, it is even more crucial now than ever.
"Continue to communicate. If you’ve taken a break and expect that things will remedy themselves, you’re wrong. Continuing to communicate with one another throughout the break is paramount to the decision-making process regarding continuing or discontinuing your relationship," said Vossenkemper.
Get clear on why you want a relationship, what type of relationship you want, and if this relationships meets those needs.
While Anna Morgenerstern, dating and relationship expert, believes a true break means no contact, she definitely recommends avoiding sex.
"A lot of couples tend to gravitate towards each other again after a break because they miss the sexual intimacy, which isn't the best indicator of the relationship working out in the future. The break should be for both people to reflect on the relationship and it's impossible to do so while still sexually intimate," said Morgenstern.
And if you do want to see (or have sex with) other people, say it.
"You must talk about sex and intimacy to avoid a 'Rachel-Ross' from "Friends" situation which can damage trust and the future of the relationship. Does taking a break mean that you are sleeping with other people? I see a lot of couples avoid this topic because it's very uncomfortable, but it involves your health and can illuminate problems in the relationship as well," said Rodriguez.
It might be code for breaking up — so it's probably better to just end it if that's the case.
However "taking a break" can often be code for being single temporarily to see what’s better out there.
"It is a nice way to signal that a break up is inevitable. If this is what you or your partner mean by "taking a break" it's important to be upfront about this," said David Bennett certified counselor, relationship expert.
It is not a recommended strategy if you have already decided that you don't want to be in the relationship but want to soften the blow.
"That's manipulative and not fair to your partner," says Rodriguez.
But taking a break can also help you deal with outside factors affecting your relationship that aren't your relationship.
Taking a break could be beneficial when it comes to dealing with things that have nothing or little to do with the two of you.
"Taking a break may mean to deal with addiction or other mental health considerations that need attending," says Bahar.
Vossenkemper advises using this time to actively self-reflect.
"It’s easy to blame all of our relationship problems on our partner. When we decide to 'take a break,' we need to make sure to reflect on how we fed into the problems that were in our relationship. You might ask yourself, "How did I contribute to this?'"
Can you ever really come back from taking a break in a relationship, or is it a slow burn to breaking up?
It can be helpful to set a time frame to check back in Megan B. Bartley, licensed marriage and family therapist, told INSIDER. That could be a few weeks, a month or more — whatever feels best to the couple. You can always check in and extend the break if needed.
But yes, you can definitely come back from a taking a break if you’ve dealt with your issues — and it goes beyond just missing them.
Rodriguez recommends observing how you feel while on the break. Are you relieved, happier?
"If so, that's pretty significant and can indicate that this is not the right relationship for you. If you're miserable, it's a harder to decipher because it's natural to be sad after any loss. If you're not sure what to do, don't do anything. If you're very emotional wait until you calm down to make a decision," she said.
"My client had a break in her relationship, suggested by her partner. She was devastated, but she knew if she was strong and didn't respond to many of his texts and absolutely refused to see him she could make him miss her and bring him back. Three weeks later he was begging her to meet in person and chat. They are now happily married," said Morgenstern.
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