- You don't have to go public about your partner's cheating in order to feel better about yourself and get closure, a therapist said.
- Allow yourself to feel betrayed and angry, then focus on yourself before deciding how to handle your relationship.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
Dear Julia,
My partner has cheated on me three times. The third time, he was involved with a married woman. We live in India, and if his firm finds out he cheated with someone who is married, he could be blacklisted.
I don't want to jeopardize his career, but it's eating me from the inside. My self-worth and self-respect have shattered.
I haven't been able to process any of it. I haven't even cried properly. I don't know how to accept the cheating and move on.
What should I do next? Is there a way for me to process this without being the one who gets my partner in trouble at work?
-India
Dear India,
The feeling of betrayal is a horrible one. I'm so sorry you're having to navigate this difficult time largely on your own.
It's normal to feel like your world is shattered when something like this happens, because it has been, therapist Tammy Nelson said. You trusted your partner to be faithful, but he wasn't, so it makes sense that you'd find it difficult to believe in your own intuition right now, Nelson, the author of "The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity," told me.
But you can, and should, trust yourself again. According to Nelson, there are little steps you can take every day to move through the grief you're feeling right now and towards the closure you crave.
Give yourself grace for the angry feelings
When we talk about infidelity, we often focus on the cheater's character, disparaging their morals and character. It's often intended as a way to get even with a cheater, or make them feel as bad as they made their cheated-on partner feel. In reality, that type of approach won't make you feel any better, Nelson said.
"Being cheated on makes you doubt your own intuition and drives your self-esteem underground."
She said that it's OK to feel deeply shocked and uncertain in the immediate aftermath of an affair. But allowing yourself to feel bad, rather than putting a timeline on your healing process, can be a helpful first step in learning to trust your own judgment again, according to Nelson.
"There's no magic amount of time to help you process an affair. It depends on how long you've been together, what type of affair or betrayal took place, and how your relationship was doing at the time," Nelson said.
Talk to a trusted friend, support group, or therapist
Stuffing your thoughts and feelings down may seem like the quickest way to move on from the affair, but talking out your emotions is really the best and most effective way to find closure, Nelson told me.
She cautioned against telling multiple family and friends about your situation, since it can cause loved ones to take sides and give unwanted advice about what you should do next, complicating an already overwhelming time for you. And with the sensitive nature of your husband's job, you may want as few people to know as possible.
Nelson suggested finding a therapist who you trust to keep your information confidential, so you can decide how you want to move forward, whether that's working things out with your partner or ending the relationship.
If you can't access a therapist, Nelson said that picking one trusted and non-judgmental friend or family member, or joining a local support group could be another way to process everything you're feeling.
There isn't a right or wrong decision here, but keeping things as they are will probably leave you feeling just as stuck as you have been, Nelson said. She added that your goal here should be to understand why your partner cheated, not forgive or accept his cheating.
She said to ask yourself this question for more clarity on the matter: Can you each find empathy for the others behavior at the time and not fall into the victim/perpetrator narrative?
If you believe there's a willingness from both you and your partner to take responsibility for why your relationship dissolved, and to connect in new and different ways that both make you feel safe and cared for, working with a therapist could be your next step towards repair, said Nelson.
And, as you work through all of this, be sure to take the time to find yourself again. Regaining your sense of independence, whether that's going to the "Barbie" movie or making new friends, will allow you to start trusting and advocating for yourself again.
You can't bounce back from a betrayal like cheating instantly. But if you keep showing up for yourself, even on the bad days, soon enough you'll remember your worth, and that you're so much more than what happened to you.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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