- I've worked at over 125 weddings as a bridesmaid for hire, and I know the big day can get dramatic.
- Groomsmen, bridesmaids, and members of the wedding party should know how to say no.
- Communicate with the couple if you have issues with your outfit or can't afford something.
I've been hired for hundreds of weddings, over the past seven years, as a professional bridesmaid.
Strangers ask me to go undercover and help wrangle the other bridesmaids, solving problems that arise when necessary.
As a result, I've become an answering machine for a variety of wedding-party questions, ranging from how to say no to the person getting married to navigating financial issues.
What if I want to say no to being a bridesmaid or groomsman?
Before you make a decision, write out a list of reasons why you don't want to take on the responsibility of being part of the wedding party.
Decide which reasons you want to share with the couple, and be prepared for them to ask follow-up questions.
You can also share alternative ways you plan to support them during the wedding adventure without taking on the title.
Am I allowed to request changes if I don't like my chosen dress or hairstyle?
If you're paying for your wedding-day outfit, hair, or makeup — even if it's been carefully curated by the person getting married — I think you're allowed to have a say in the decision and request changes.
But if the couple is paying for everything, speak up with discretion.
If something makes you uncomfortable, let them know your reasoning. But if you just don't like it, try to go with the flow.
What if I don't get along with the maid of honor or best man?
The maid of honor and best man are the ringleaders of the wedding party. Oftentimes, they'll communicate messages from the couple, make decisions on pre-wedding events, and assign tasks to the rest of the party.
If you're not getting along with those people, identify why and have a conversation with them to see how you can get on the same page (hint: You both want to support the couple).
If that doesn't work, keep your distance, try to be respectful, and don't let any resentment get in the way of doing what's best for the couple.
Am I allowed to say no if the couple has an outrageous request?
As a member of the wedding party, you should never feel forced to do everything being asked of you.
If you're feeling pressured to spread yourself too thin or pay for extraordinarily expensive things, let the person getting married know where you're at.
Be specific, concise, and assertive, and try to take emotion out of it — it'll likely make the conversation flow better and bring a quicker resolution.
What if I can't make it to all the pre-wedding events (engagement party, bridal shower, etc.)?
After you say yes to being a part of the wedding party, try to get all of the essential dates as soon as possible, and let the person know which events you won't be able to make and why.
Know that if they're unhappy with that, they may ask you to no longer be part of the wedding party. But it's likely they'll understand if you're honest.
What if I don't get a plus-1 for my significant other?
There's no rule that couples have to give the members of their wedding party plus-ones. The decision usually comes down to the overall guest list, restrictions from the venue, and the budget.
If you weren't told you can bring anyone that's most likely intentional.
If you've been dating someone for quite some time and really want them to come, you can share that with the couple. But be understanding if they can't accommodate the request.
How much should I spend on a wedding gift when being part of the party is already costing a fortune?
If you feel like the time and money that went into being part of the wedding party is your gift, then that's more than enough.
But if you want to give an additional gift, consider picking something from the registry or opting for cash.
In the end, give what you can, even if it's just a handwritten note. But don't feel like you have to shell out a bigger gift than you can afford.
What if I can't afford to go to the bachelor/bachelorette party?
If you can't afford a trip or night out for the bachelor/bachelorette party, be sure to let the person getting married know as soon as possible.
As a way of still showing up for them, think of one low-cost way to celebrate with them before the big day.
Am I allowed to actually enjoy myself at the wedding?
As a member of the wedding party, you'll find yourself quite busy on the day of the wedding.
After the ceremony, you might be asked to pose for photos, solve any pop-up problems, or make sure everything is set up at the reception. But once the party starts, you should be able to enjoy yourself like any other guest.
Be sure to check in on the couple to see if they need anything, but don't hesitate to get out on the dance floor and have a good time.
What if I have to give a toast when I'm terrible at public speaking?
Be sure to write the speech and practice it with a lot of time to spare. The less rushed you feel, the more confident you'll be on the day.
Keep it short and get comfortable holding the sheet of paper or note cards in your hand.
Know that this toast will mean so much to the person who asked you to give it, so even if it isn't something you enjoy doing, just speak slowly and get through it.
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